Zoo mission Alpha
by TheLadySyk0
Summary: Deadpool is the newest part of the Avengers! He is dating Spiderman and raising his daughter Ellie. Natasha Romanov and Clint Barton take Ellie to the zoo. Shenanigans happen. Same AU as my other Marvel works


Natasha Romanov was a meticulous woman. Years of honing her mind and body to become the perfect weapon has made her as precise with details as Clint is with his arrows. The perfect mission calls for perfect preparation, and this mission will be perfect.

She stalks down hallway, running through lists in her mind. Interns and even the most hardened of S.H.I.E.L.D agents duck behind pillars and into doorways when faced with the gentle but terrifying click of her boots on marble and the ferocious weight of her gaze. Anyone who has ever been in a room with Natasha Romanov can tell you that it's like being in a room with a live viper, this hot tingly sensation at the back of your neck and the sneaking suspicion that you're going to die soon.

Its agent Phil Coulson who finally has the courage to step in front of the living weapon.

"Agent Romanov.."

Red painted lips quirk up into a small smirk and one would swear that the temperature dropped a couple of degrees. "...Coulson…"

He takes a deep breath and looks her in the eye "Going somewhere?"

Natasha smiles fully, a lab assistant ducks underneath their desk. "Its my day off…"

Coulson shifts uncomfortably in his suit, given the weak knees of the minor agents and lab geeks around him, really its amazing that he is handling her like he is.

"Any plans?" He looks like he really doesn't want to know the answer, but he asks her anyways.

Her smile gets wider, dangerous like the buzz of a rattlesnake and the sharp glint of a dagger.

Three more interns hide beneath their desks.

"oh yes….."

* * *

Natasha stalks to the minivan that shield has given her. Clint leans against the bumper nonchalant. He nods to Natasha.

"Ready?"

They are both dressed in civilian clothes, for this mission it will be best not to attract too much attention. Clint is wearing a simple black t-shirt and jeans, Natasha wears jeans, a loose army-green tank-top and a sweatshirt, they both are wearing dark sunglasses and a look of determination.

"Inventory check?" Natasha asks Clint, arms behind her back.

"Fully stocked and ready to go." He opens the trunk with a click of the car keys.

The trunk seems empty, but Natasha pulls away a section of floor mat to reveal a handprint scanner. Natasha places her hand on the scanner and a the machine whirrs for a moment, a bar of green light rakes across her palm.

"match confirmed" the computer, satisfied, beeps and unlocks the container.

a large rectangular section of floor mat slides away and a large metal box rises up. The top clicks open and the container depressurizes.

Clint takes a folder from the top, rows of impeccably lined juice boxes sit in the right side of the container.

Natasha nods to the juice boxes "brand and flavor?"

Clint nods "Sources have confirmed that she likes "Very cherry-strawberry-berry, and funky-monkey fruit punch, brand has been confirmed as her favorite."

Next there was a pack of lunchmeat, sandwich bread, sandwich condiments and carrot sticks.

Clint continues "Intel also states that she hates ham but loves turkey, white wonder bread, mayo and cheese, she likes carrots but will only eat them with peanut-butter."

Natasha nods. "Excellent."

Next in line was a fanny pack and a first aid kit.

"Money, sunscreen, tickets and other assorted necessities are included in the fanny-pack, the first aid kit is equipped to handle anything from minor scrapes and bruises, to previously unknown allergies and radiation sickness."

"Itinerary?"

"We should get there at a little before 10:00, leeway time is included, but traffic is minimum."

Clint passes natasha the folder. Ellie's face smiles from a picture stapled to the inside of the folder, the itinerary is below as well as a map of the bronx zoo and three sets of three tickets.

"The first set of tickets are for entry, the second set of tickets is for the seal show at 1:00pm and the third is for the dolphin show at 3:00, I have made arrangements for a meeting with her favorite dolphin "Mrs. Bubbles" with the dolphin trainer"

Natasha smiles, its always good when a plan comes together.

Zoo mission alpha, otherwise known as mission "Ellie will have the best day at the zoo  
EVER, or else Natasha will strangle a zookeeper" is officially a go.

* * *

Natasha knocks on the door of the Wilson-Parker apartment. She looks to her watch, 9:10, perfect, they will get to the zoo right in time. The fanny-pack sits heavily on her hip and although it looks dorky as fuck, it goes with her suburban mom disguise.

Peter is the one who opens the door, hair messy and obviously still in his pajamas, She can smell pancakes being cooked. Natasha has it on good confidence that Wade Wilson's pancakes are even better than the ones Steve makes, and that's saying something.

"Oh hi Nat, Ellie should be out soo-"

Before he can finish, a small curly-headed girl with a maple-syrup sticky face launches herself past Peter and wraps her arms around Natasha.

"AUNTY NAT!"

Now, Natasha Romanov does not consider herself an emotional person. In the battlefield emotions lead to ruin and the deaths of yourself or your team mates. Emotions are not for living weapons such as herself, but rather tools to use against your enemy.

But this tiny, spunky little girl who calls her aunty makes her feel…...emotions….

In a brief fit of sincerity Natasha hugs her back, a small soft smile on her face. She takes a baby-wipe from the fanny-pack and gently wipes the syrup from her face.

"hey kiddo….ready to go?"

Peter momentarily gapes at the super-spy and her blatant emotions before recovering.

"...uh…..OH WAIT ELLIE!"

He reaches inside the apartment and pulls out a little red hoodie. He helps Ellie into the hoodie and gives her a kiss on the forehead.

"Be good Ellie-belly, and have fun!"

Ellie dances around Clint's legs as Peter talks to Natasha.

"ZOO TRIP ZOO TRIP WE'RE GOING ON A ZOO TRIP!"

"...Nat are you sure you're up for this?"

Natasha smiles "What could go wrong?"

* * *

Predictably they get to the Zoo in plenty time to spare. Natasha has excellent combat driving skills and she zips past the soccer moms and into the best parking spot with ease. One particularly miffed blonde mom flips her off. losers are often upset.

Clint's knuckles are bone white with how hard he's gripping the seat as they slide into the parking space. Ellie whoops and giggles, her hands in the air in the back seat.

"WHOO HOO LETS DO THAT AGAIN!"

They get into the venue with ease. There is a little bit of trouble when a zoo keeper tries to put a sticker on Ellie and Natasha almost breaks his wrist when she sees him reaching for her but other than that?

Flawless.

"Wow I've never been here during the day! Dad always breaks in with me at night! Theres so many people!" Ellie gasps.

There is indeed, a fuckton of people. Natasha unconsciously grips Ellie's shoulder just a little tighter, before she calms down and lets go.

They have approximately two hours before lunch to explore.

"Where to first Ellie?"

A zookeeper gives Ellie an alfalfa biscuit to give to the giraffe. She holds up the long dry cracker and giggles as the giraffe's long slimy tongue wraps around her wrist before taking the cracker. Natasha wipes her hand with a baby wipe from the fanny pack.

Clint smiles at the motherly gesture.

Nat pushes him gently and glares "oh shut up."

Ellie presses her hands and against the aquarium wall enraptured by a dead-eyed shark. Sea turtles lazily bob past in the water. A zoo keeper waves to Ellie and the other children as she feeds bits of lettuce to a particularly old sea turtle.

In the monkey house Clint covers Ellie's eyes as two lemurs choose this moment to fuck. He picks her up over his shoulder and scurries her off to the next exhibit.

"Wait what? uncle Clint what is it?"

"When you're older kid."

Ellie giggles at the monkeys with the whiskers like little white mustaches.

Ellie seems disappointed at the spider monkeys.

"You know...they aren't very spidery….Can you imagine a monkey with spider powers like dad? or extra arms and legs? or venom OR LASER EYES?"

Natasha pats Ellie on the shoulder "Promise me never to become a scientist, ok?"

"...Ok?"

Ellie smiles at the gorillas and one male grunts, hits his chest and slams into the glass at her. The thud reverberates through the building.

"Baring teeth is an aggressive act for a gorilla, in gorilla language you just challenged him to a fight." Natasha explains.

Ellie grins and slams both hands against the glass "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!"

The gorilla hollers louder and bangs against the glass at the girl. Ellie growls right back at him.

Clint picks up Ellie.

"no fighting with gorillas." Natasha warns her.

"but Aunty I can take this chump!"

"No."

Clint walks out of the Monkey house with Ellie draped over his shoulder. Ellie takes this time to flip off the gorilla over his shoulder.

"MEET ME IN THE RING MONKEY BOY!"

"No."

They eat lunch at a picnic bench near the seal exhibit, the intel regarding Ellie's lunch preferences were proven correct and she was so tired afterwards that Clint had to carry her to the Seal show. During the show Ellie's post-lunch sleepiness was forgotten and soon she was with the other children, banging her hands against the glass tank as the seals bounced balls on their noses and blew into little harmonicas.

Clint and Natasha sat in the back with all of the other parents, clapping with the audience and sparky or flippy or some other seal with a stupid name jumped through a hoop.

"you know…" Clint began "You're pretty good at this."

Natasha looked at him from over her sunglasses "I'm good at everything you'll have to be more specific."

Clint shrugged towards where Ellie is giggling as a seal flicks her with water.

"This mom thing...You're good at it…"

Natasha smiles at him and gingerly twines her fingers with his. He smiles back and squeezes her hand. She leans towards her.

"adoption is a thing."

She smiles back at him "...you're right….adoption is a thing…."

"OK FOLKS! THATS IT FOR THE DOLPHIN SHOW! GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR OUR SEALS!" the zookeeper in with the microphone onstage announces.

Natasha sits up and stretches out her back.

"ok kiddo its time to move on to the next thing…kiddo?"

She looks to where Ellie had been moments ago by the stage, She looks through the audience but she can't see her little curly-headed girl in a red hoodie anywhere. Her blood runs cold.

Clint notices as well and she can feel him straighten up next to her.

"You take left and east exit, I take right and west exit."

He nods. "right"

Natasha moves towards the highest part of the outdoor theatre, she runs towards a picnic bench and stands on one of the seats, the family eating there looks at her oddly but doesn't say anything.

She scans the audience. She had her eye off of the girl for approximately a minute and 45 seconds, given the rate of how fast Ellie could walk, or run if she felt like it that means she could be approximately…

Up ahead a little figure in a red hood is being obstinately being pulled along by a large man in a white t-shirt and baseball cap. She signals clint.

"CLINT!"

He nods, a hard look in his eye. "On it!"

Natasha begins to run as Clint quickly takes a seal snow-globe from a nearby vendor. He gives the little globe a testing shake, the vendor gives a token protest before he chucks the snowglobe with pin-point accuracy. The man in the baseball cap crumples to the ground.

Natasha catches up, she flips the man onto his back and puts a knee to his throat.

She clutches at a small hoodie sleeve "Ellie get back!"

"DADDY?" The child yelps and Natasha turns to look at who she assumed was Ellie. A little boy with blue eyes and curly black hair looks frightened at her.

shit.

She gets off of the man and a crowd of fussing suburban moms comes to his aid as he wheezes. She looks worriedly to Clint.

She shakes her head.

"mommy mommy! a little kid in tiger facepaint tugs at the sleeve of one of the mothers helping the man Natasha just assaulted "there's a girl in the penguin exhibit!"

Ellie!

Natasha runs towards Clint, he takes her lead and runs with her.

"THE PENGUIN EXHIBIT."

* * *

Ellie's dad taught her how to pick locks and it certainly hasn't been the first time she's broken into the penguin exhibit.

The people staring at her and pointing from the other side of the glass make it a little weird though.

Ellie tries not to let it get to her though as she feeds penguins little scraps of turkey from her pocket. Does it count as cannibalism if you feed a penguin turkey? They are both birds...The penguins don't seem to mind though so she decides it's ok.

She picks up one of her favorite penguins, the short cranky one with little markings on his chin, that if you squint, kinda look like a goatee. "HI TONY!"she greets the penguin and it squawks at her.

Her other favorite it one of the bigger penguins, he's big and his feathers are nice, but he's always good to the other penguins, letting them have their fair share of fish, even though he could get all the fish with how big and strong he is. "HI STEVE!" she greets this penguin.

She holds both penguins in the crooks of her arms, they're a smaller breed so she can pick them up more easily. Tony squawks like an asshole while Steve settles in comfortably, amiably letting the little girl do as she pleased.

Ellie holds Tony's beak closed and the grumpy little bird swallows a squawk.

"Oh Steve you're so big and handsome." she moves the penguin's head to the words.

Next she props up Steve, wiggling him with an arm, Steve the penguin looks confused but lets her do as she wants.

"Oh Tony, You're so fiesty, let me take you into my big strong bird wings and make out."

She holds the penguins and taps their beaks together. Tony the penguin makes a bigger ass of himself trying to get away, but she holds him tight. Steve the penguin is still confused.

"MUAH MUAH MUAH!"

* * *

Natasha and Clint run into the penguin house. Sure enough there Ellie is, holding two penguins and making them kiss….

A passing zookeeper gasps as crowds of kids titter around the penguin exhibit and point excitedly.

"SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THERE!" The Zoo keeper rushes towards a door hidden in the fake rock next to the exhibit, presumably to the penguin enclosure. He unlocks the door and Clint and Natasha rush past him. they pull him into the door and close it behind them.

"WAIT, WHAT?" the zookeeper sputters, pressed against the doorway.

Clint and Natasha flash their badges.

"Official S.H.I.E.L.D business." She informs the zookeeper.

"Official S.H.I.E.L.D business." agrees Clint.

"Wait." The zookeeper puts his hands up "You guys deal with Aliens and terrorists! what are you doing HERE?!"

"Terrorist penguins." Natasha informs him.

"Terrorist penguins?" Clint asks Natasha before he shrugs. "Terrorist penguins" he agrees.

"Terrorist penguins?" the zookeeper is aghast.

"TERRORIST. PENGUINS." Clint and Natasha say in unison.

The zookeeper gives up. Its New York, weirder shit has happened.

Natasha and Clint step from the short hallway leading from the public area to the exhibit. They step into the exhibit.

A little boy in a red hoodie points as his dad hold an icepack to the back of his head "look daddy its the lady that beat you up!"

Ellie continues to make Tony the Penguin and Steve the penguin kiss.

Natasha rolls her eyes.

Clint picks up Ellie, still holding the penguins in her arms. Tony the penguin squawks in clint's ear while Steve the penguin gives a confused little peep.

"Thank you junior agent, for apprehending the suspects." Natasha hold her hand behind her back "a commemoration and a TALK WITH YOUR PARENTS are in order."

Ellie doesn't seem to register the threat, and she grins at Natasha.

"THIS IS TONY AND THIS IS STEVE THEY ARE GAY AND IN LOVE!"

Natasha pats her on the head. "of course they are."

Clint carries her out of the exhibit, birds and all. Natasha turns to face the zookeeper.

"Thank you for your cooperation in this matter."

And then they were gone. Leaving a really really confused zookeeper and a bunch of confused children outside the exhibit.

One little girl breaks the silence with "mommy how come that girl gets a penguin and I don't?"

* * *

Commander Nick Fury comes back to his office after a long day. There has been some intriguing changes among many terrorist organizations, notably a rather drastic change in power dynamics which could easily be exploited if they could get a man on the inside, he turns his desk chair so that he can get to work typing up the-

"mep" a penguin peeps at him from where it sits in his chair.

Just then another penguin squawks like an asshole and climbs up on his desk. It turn to look at him, squawks, shits on his desk and then proceeds to knock off every single picture frame and desk toy he had by his computer. He and the other penguin watch it lumber along, it hops off the desk and knocks the lamp off with it. He turns to the penguin in his chair again.

"mep."

On his desk, a single solitary piece of paper has been saved from the asshole penguin's wrath.

Dear commander Fury,

Let it be noted that these penguins are terrorists. please act accordingly.

Sincerely,

Agent Romanov

Below in what looks like purple crayon is added:

THEY ARE ALSO GAY AND IN LOVE!

Followed by a drawing of a flower and a smiley face.

He looks the the penguin in his chair again.

"mep."


End file.
